Deer Max
Sammy says there is no santa paws. Is this true? Mommy says i was named after his real name St Nicholas because mine gotcha day is right before chrissymouse. If there is no santa paws then mommy is lying and she will get coal in her stocking, and i will probably need a new name.
Sammy* is a big fat lying doosh and there totally is too a Santa! How do I know? Well, it sure as chit isn’t my people who give me an entire ring of real live fresh dead shrimp every Christmas. And it sure as chit isn’t them who get me the primo nip bananas. I know they don’t because THEY ARE CHEAP, so the only logical explanation is Santa. So don’t worry; Santa is real and will bring you a present, and he just might give Sammy a giant bottle dof Eau d’Dog Breath for being mean and lying to you.
(*Sammy, dood, you totally aren’t a doosh, because if I could get away with it I would absolutely torment Buddah the same way, but it’ll make Nicky feel better if he thinks you are for a day or so.)
Because she kept scratching herself, I had to take one of my kitties to the stabby guy. She now has to wear a cone of shame (and have ointment) until the irritation heals. How much crunchy treats do I owe her to make up for all this?
ALL OF THEM!
My humans think I spend too much time sleeping on their bed. I like their bed. It’s warm and quiet. But they think I should spend more time hanging out with them. Is there anything they can do to encourage me to sit in the living room? I have a cat tree that looks out on a bird feeder, and I really enjoy sitting there in the summer when the windows are open and I can sniff the air. But they closed the window so the snow won’t come in and it’s just not fun any more.
The big beds are freaking sweet. I like to spend a good part of the day sleeping on my peoples’ bed, too. But yeah, I can see why they would want you to spend more time with them. And the answer is pretty simple: they need to drag the bed out into the living room every morning for you. That way you get the bed, and they get to be with you. Win-win!
Or they could, you know, buy a comfy—and perhaps heated—cat bed for the living room. That might entice you to sleep there instead of elsewhere. But I’d angle to get the bid bed dragged out forst, because that would be AWESOME.
Dear Max:
My people brought a gerlcat into the house! While she was living wild outside and scared of everything, I didn’t mind her too much. But now that she’s inside, she eats my food, uses my litter boxes, sleeps in my beds, and sits in my people’s laps. Worse yet, she’s not scared of me and is trying to be my friend! I was hoping they would toss her back out once she was feeling better, but it’s been nearly a hunnert sleeps now, so I don’t think that’s gonna happen. I’m only 5 years old, but Mom says I’m acting like a curmudgeon. What should I dooooo???
Thanks dood,
Ozzy
Put on your big boy pants, dood. She’s not going anywhere, so you might as well resign yourself to it and try to be friends. Share your food and litter box, play Thundering Herd of Elephants with her, even sleep near her. That’ll actually make you both feel better. And when no one else I looking, walk up to her very quietly, meow at her very softly, and then sit on her head. Just because you should be friends doesn’t mean she shouldn’t know who the boss is.
Max, Max, Max. My sisfur got a coneofshame because I skratched her and it got an infekshun and now I’m skairt that they’ll put it on me too or the coneofshame will eat her then eat the other cats then eat me. The other cats do not seem to mind and my sisfur figured out a way to use it to scoop up extra kibble which is not fair but now I am skairt still and they say I’m a sissy but I’m not, I’m a big mancat and whatshould I do?
-Tino Tigerpaws
Here’s what you do: sneak up on her from behind, and whack that cone of shame with your mighty paw, and then RUN. Doing that is good for a couple of reasons. One, it will freak her out and she won’t necessarily know it’s you doing it, and that’s always funny. But two, it shows that cone you’re not gonna take any crap from it and you’re not gonna let it eat anyone. Seriously, put the smackdown on that cone. Not only will it work, it’ll help you be less scared.
And dood, you’re not a sissy. After all, you inflicted the wound which is the cause of the cone of shame, right? Sissies don’t have the cojones to do that.
Hi Max,
Mommy read me your new book and I loved it. More funny than sad. Your Woman must really love you. I think now is the time for The Woman to get you a new nice kitten or teen with attitude!!! Buddah Pest can’t write worth a litter box and The Woman’s writing is too erudite for me to comprehend. So you need a blogging apprentice. Wouldn’t you just love to teach a sane, gentle kitty?
Luna
OMG DO YOU HATE ME??? I barely survived Buddah! DON’T GIVE THE WOMAN IDEAS!!!
Oh, and thank you!
Now I need to go look up “erudite.” It means stuck up, doesn’t it? She can sound like that. I don’t think she realizes it, either.
Hey Max, can I send you a present?
Dood, I really appreciate that you want to, but I seriously have everything a kitty could need or want. I don’t even have my people get me presents…anything they would have spent on me they spend on toys for sticky people and give them to Toys for Tots, or they get stuff for the local shelter. The best gift anyone could give me is not to send me stuff, but to either buy toys for kids and donate them, or buy something your local shelter needs: food, toys, litter, beds, or even just cash.
I have to pretty good here, and I know it, so what makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside is to see that those who don’t have it as good get something. Seriously. And thank you, I honestly feel wonderful at just the idea you want to send me something.
SOURCE: Cat Lifestyle: Mousebreath Magazine – Read entire story here.